So I got a reply from Fluval and they said to return the product to the place of purchase and if I'm unable due to the length of time since purchasing then to send it in for warranty service. So luckily I do have time since it's a fairly new filter, otherwise my tank would just be hung out to dry with no filter at all! Nice work, Fluval!
Overall, I'm very disappointed with this experience and am now looking at the option of getting a replacement and crossing my fingers that this one is simply a dud, or spending more money and exchanging it with a different, high-end canister filter that I don't have money for. But all of it has to be done on the same day so that I don't lose ALL beneficial bacteria in my tank and have a new cycle start.
Anyway, to address some of what you've all said:
What vaseline? Did I say vaseline? Well let me assure you I definitely did not put vaseline anywhere, definitely not. Definitely.
Yes, this is exactly true and why I chose to purchase a C series filter! AquaClears are supposed to be great, so why would an updated version not be better? Especially considering the small price difference (only about a $10 more for the C4 than AC70 or whatever the equivalent AC is). I consider the designs an improvement, though the tiny AquaClear Fluval packages with their Edge systems seems to work well.
Two things: 1) I did actually disassemble the entire filter and it worked okay after some fiddling. I have no idea why. However, less than a week later and it's back to the same old crap. And 2) this filter is not even 2 months old, it shouldn't be clogging this badly already.