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Holiday Eating Rules:

10. CARROT STICKS Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if
you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving
rum balls.

9. EGGNOG Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare ...
you cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who
cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're
going to turn into an eggnogoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.
Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

8. GRAVY If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

7. MASHED POTATOES As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

6. PRE-EATING Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is
to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

5. EXERCISE Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a ten-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

4. SANTA COOKIES If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can
before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair
of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
again.

3. PIES Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin, mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?

2. FRUITCAKE Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.

1. MOTTO One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the
grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOOHOO! What a
ride!"
 

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Thats pretty darn funny!
 
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