Nothing like typing out a big long message then solving the problem yourself literally 2 minutes later.
FLORAMAX SUCKS. There are actually limestone chips in the stuff. I found one odd looking piece, took it out of the tank, put it in a cup with some vinegar, and the little bugger started fizzing. Now I get to redo the entire thing unless I can find and remove each of the little limestone chips in the substrate. I might try to, but then again I might just throw the whole mess in my garden.